Have you ever read Homer's Obyssey? Weary from the Trojan War, Odysseus tries for ten years to make his way back home, incurring a frustrating ordeal, as he's spited and mocked by the gods. Friends and allies are lost, Odysseus struggles to hold on to his sanity in hopes of seeing his family again. I feel that perfectly embodies every moment I attempt to experience The Karate Kid on NES. It's been chronicled over the years for its major levels of suckitude, but is it really that bad? Well...yes, it kind of is. PAIN

Karate Kid was developed by Atlus and published by LJN in 1987. It's a mashing of the first two Karate Kid movies together, as the first stage involves Daniel LaRusso participating in the martial arts tournament, and proceeds to fight his way through the towns of Japan in the second film, during the typhoon, and its aftermath. It's only four stages long, and can easily be beaten in one sitting, but you have to gain a grasp on some of the most frustrating, unresponsive controls on the Nintendo.

Figuring it's just a side-scrolling beat'em up with some splashes of platform jumping, I am impressed with how unfun The Karate Kid is to play. B and A button punch and kick respectfully. As you defeat the enemies that stride toward you, Daniel earns "C" and "D" icons that replenish health and stocks a Crane Kick or a Drum Punch. Cool, but you execute these specials by pressing B or A in neutral. Daniel's normal punches and kicks can only be done by holding forward. Easy enough, sure, until you get double-teamed by goons and try to mash your way free, those specials sometimes get inadvertently wasted on small fry.  

PAIN

This wouldn't be that much of an issue, providing the ability to jump was mapped to pressing both attack buttons simultaneously, ala Double Dragon. In Karate Kid, you have to press up to jump, making sticking any kind of landing very suspect. So on top of very rigid attacks with chunky execution, the game gives you a jump that's more likely to put you in the precarious situation you may be trying to avoid. 

And when it comes to fending yourself, there's the enemies and hazards in Karate Kid. It's the same karate bums, two on the screen at a time, that make life miserable for you. They mostly bump into you, sending Daniel ping-ponging around the screen. If you can avoid getting knocked into the corner, you can mash your way out of danger. It depends on how much damage you're willing to trade, trying to fight your way out of danger with some incredibly inconsistent standing attacks, jump kicks that often miss their mark, and crouching strikes that are short on range and practically worthless. 

PAIN

The graphics in Karate Kid aren't very stellar. Not so much for a lack of likeness in regards to the movies, but rather with the level design. Even with four stages, a part of why the levels feel like they last forever is because the layouts feel more slapped together than intricately thought out. Even Kung-Fu's straightforward floors have slightly more nuance than Karate Kid, where there's constant platforms that change your elevation. The karate bums have free range at pecking away at your feet, because you're a giant target.

The characters have incredibly modest detail, but still have a flat, uninteresting look to them. Daniel does sport his outfits seen at various points in the two movies, but like some lower quality NES games, the sprites are drawn with such broad lines, they end up resembling detail that's more reminiscent of paper dolls (as I continue to further date myself with THAT reference) than a character that blends in the game. 

The mini games aim to capture some signature moments from the Karate Kid movies, like catching flies with the chopsticks, ice breaking, and parrying the swinging hammer (good luck figuring out that last one. I've tried to dodge it more than twice for the last 30 years). It's spirited, and this may be hypocritically contrast to my previous paragraph, but there's something really off-putting about the LaRusso with MORE detail, but only his arms being animated, it's disgusting.

The Karate Kid is certainly infamous among the gaming populace, especially in the age of internet reviews, and rightfully so. Despite its short play time, the game feels like an absolute chore to play due to the repetitive enemies and placid level design making the already plodding stages feel way longer than they should.

The music might get a little stuck in your head, and it's Karate Kid's best quality. There's other games under the LJN label that have more memorable tunes (Friday The 13th and Nightmare On Elm Street). Revisiting this one for nostalgia value has done little for me to have any kinds of change of opinion on it, and I consider myself very lenient. It lacks Karate Champ's charm, and isn't the walking meme that is Bad Dudes. Wax off this cart and throw it away. This game only causes

PAIN